The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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