JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
