Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
