Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
