it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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