Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
