i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
