i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
