Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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