how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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