I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
