i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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