My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
