And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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