I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
