I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
