Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
