i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
it glows. i had to have it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
