Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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