Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
