i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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