Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
