I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
