Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
