My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
