Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
