so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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