just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
