i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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