Don't make out with my wife yet
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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