So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
