Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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