Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
