Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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