I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
