I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
