so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
