Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
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Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
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Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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