at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
