why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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