I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
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As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
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Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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