Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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