i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
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So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
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A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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