you traded sex for a burrito?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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