Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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