My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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