and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
