You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
