Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
