i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
