pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
