either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
