Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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