My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Randomize
