The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize