If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
