your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
