I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
