Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
