The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i think i have two assholes
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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